I always wanted to say that.
Well we didnt get enough snow to cancel school and there isnt enough ice and it wont be cold enough. This blows because I dont want to go to Italian, but I guess that I have to. I suppose I will live...I usually manage to.
Another thing is that I discovered at least part of the reason that I like history. It is the story. I turn almost every history paper or essay that I write into a story and I love it...I just get immersed in what I am writing or reading and become enthralled. It is just amazing. Of course I realized this in the midst of writing a four essay midterm today in which we ran out of time but had to turn it in at the end of the period becuase there was a group kicking us out of the room, but still, its the story involved.
My list of body parts that hurt: Brain, heart, right wrist, right pincky and ring fingers, right shoulder, entire back, left knee, right ankle and I think that might be it.
On another note, Why wont it just stop. I would give everything for it all to go away for an hour...I dont even know what I would do with that hour, but if all the pain, the loneliness, the hurt, everything. If it would just go away. Sometimes thats what sports can do for me, what lifting can do for me, but the problem is that I have to walk to the gym to do that and while doing it, I see people doing it better than I am and however good it feels to be doing it when involved, the end result is more pain, but I guess that is life. Bliss begets pain. I think that I will take the bliss regardless of the pain, but it is a shame that fighting through pain is often required to reach bliss.
Sleep is also bliss, but unforunately the beds here suck, so the result once again is pain. Sleep would also cure many of the things that bother me, including all the physical ailments and probably many of the mental ones as well, but as a result of the shitty beds here and many other things, I dont sleep nearly enough. When I do sleep it is wonderful, but I dont awake refreshed. I feel like I am floating through the world sometimes and it also feels like much that the world has to offer is being passed by. All I need now is a soundtrack.
While I am feeling reflective, coming here to Brandeis has been quite a change for me and, while I consider most of the changes to be good and seen development in myself, it has still been hard, and this has happened for a number of reasons. The first of these reasons and probably the largest is that I went from a small town public school where I was the best at what I did (history). I was able to fly through all history courses with my eyes closed and the book gathering dust in my locker, not to mention being able to do a large number of other activities without trying. Much of that changed coming to a school of 3000 students (small by many standards) where I was no longer the best in history--yes, I still get things right a fair number of the time and wouldnt consider myself an idiot, but it is just different, but once again, that is life and I will need to learn that I cant always be the best, however much I want to be. The second reason that it has been different is that it is the first time I have spent an extensive period of time away from home and not being around my friends bothers me sometimes. Yes, I did make some new friends, and I am proud to know these people and to consider them my friend, but at the same time I had some very good memories with people from my home town doing random things and just generally being annoyances (hand tenniball, frisbee, senior skip day, basketball, "do you know who Sigmund Freud is?" ultimate bacci, reading kosher laws and singing 'little bunny fufu' in Mike's class, movie night, passing a masturbation survey around bio, yearbook, senior offices, lit mag, fritaly, bowling in the hallway, and the list goes on (those involved know who they are)). I am not saying that I am homesick in any way, because I really dont mind not being home...in fact, I am having quite a lot of fun not being home, I am just saying it is different. And there are certain things that I miss (all of the above), and the general closeness of everyone around--freedom to say whatever the fuck you wanted with people to tell you if you crossed the line rather than flipping out, hugs, common enemies, the ability to sit around during a school night watching a movie or just talking and not needing something to do or a drug to get high or buzzed off of. It is just...different. The third and final thing that I have noted was actually something that I had a misconception about entering college. I expected to end up in a relationship simply because I wanted to be in one, but this wasnt true. Yes, I do still want to be in a relationship, and yes there are times that I feel very lonely and withdrawn, but the end result is that no matter what happens, it will occur when the time is right and if that requires me to get knocked flat another ten times, then I will get knocked flat another ten times and get back up each of those times, but I will be satisfied with the result when I find the right person, I will be the happiest person on earth (thank you kristen for telling me in my yearbook that someday I will find my princess, just like in the stories). Not only that, but just like people have been telling me since I cared, she should be happy...well only if she is looking for a guy who already knows he will be whipped, will cook, go stargazing, dote upon her at every chance, is nice, smart, has a sense of humor and will go to the ends of the earth for her...but what girl wants a guy like that? My day will come. Somewhere in the tangled mess of thoughts that is my brain that contain everything from "hey, shes cute" to "fuck you" to "dont fuck up...dont fuck up...dont fuck up...dont fuck up....fuck! you fucked up" to diabolical schemes to take over the world to what I want for my next meal is the plain string of thought that says "you will be ok. things will work out, and it will all be ok" (on an unrelated note, that thought then gives me a reassuring hug and usually either sounds like my mother, like my friend sarah, or like a generic female voice). I guess what I am saying is that however far things get out of control, however out of control I get, I will reign myself back in and remain in control of myself until it does happen, at which point that voice and any number of my friends will have the right to say "I told you so."
Before I go on (if I go on), I would just like to say thank you to all of my friends--those long ago: Fern, Amber, Kelsey, Joel, Jenn, Louis, David; those not so long ago and still around: CC, Andrew, Brad, Woody, Lindsey, Kelton, Nate, Katie, Tamir, Keaven, Kristin, Kathy, Colin, Caitlin, Kathrine, Josh, Kevin, Megan, Sarah, Jason, Nic, Andrew, Sara, Brad, Tristin, Matt, Matt, Zack, John, Gwen, Rowan, Halley, Luke, Henry, Kyle, Enrique, Ashley, Amber, Matt, Steve, Pat, Christi, Kyle, Corey, Griffin, Harry; those teachers that I would consider among them: Mrs Wiesen, Mike, Aaron, and Mrs Sullivan; those who are new: Jeremy, Nomi, Alain, Alex, Sam, Josh, Brandon, Xander, Andrew, Amanda, Amy, Cindy, Dinah, Rachel, Adrienne, Lindsey, Lloyd, Ryan and Erica; and finally the two who I dont know where I would be without despite at times, my most fervent denial: my brothers Tom and Joe--whether you beleive this or not, I love you two. Thank you to everyone for, for being my friend and aiding me in whatever way to where I am today. Also, my apologies to those who I left out (it was accidental, I swear it).
While I seem to be stuck on the subject and really bad at letting things go, I must ask the sage (well not so sage) question: "whats he got that I dont?" (in the words of Brooks and Dunn). Well that answer is, I dont know, I really, just dont know (btw, their answer might be right for them, but not so much for me). But, as always, wondering doesnt kill me, nor does it make me stronger, but the correct voice of caution in my head prevails again and once more I find myself waiting. I would think that four years is a long time, but for whatever is testing me, it will be forced to find that I am more stubborn that I might seem or look, and will not give up because my parents failed to teach me a good reason to give up. My parents also taught me a number of other important life lessons like how to use jumper cables, how to shovel, how to move logs, how to cook, how to clean (I learned, but it didnt stick), how to use a computer, how working pays off, how to use my head, how to think on my feat, how to improvise (well they didnt really try to teach me that one, but they used it enough that it stuck), how to go get what I want, how to keep trying and how the best way to find things like keys is to just sorta drop them, but not know where you dropped them because when you know that crucial fact, you will never be able to find them again. Furthermore they taught me how to be an upstanding citizen who thinks rather than being spoon fed information and how to choose for myself. I have been instilled with the ideas that democracy only works as long as people vote and however much I would like to believe that things would be easier if the republicans just stopped voting, then I wouldnt be speaking my mind. Everyone should vote. If it was up to me, I wouldnt force people to vote, but 16 and up would be strongly encouraged to vote and if I was the one running I would be telling that to everyone in every single stop on my campaign trail (I would also visit every state, even if it was just a symbollic gesture, but that is neither here nor now).
It is late and I have been rambling for a while (although I remember most of waht I have written), so I will wrap it up with this: Have dreams. Persue those dreams. Dont give up on your dreams. If you never have them, then you will never succeed on any dreams and will end up in a job you hate. My advice is to grab you dreams by whatever you can and push, pull, berate, drag, beat, wrestle or coerce those dreams along with you for the ride and they will pay off in the end. I am currently here in Brandeis University bullying my dream of the white house into coming with me and unfortunately I am relatively certain that the inauguration is several days before my birthday, therefore I would be forced to wait until I am 39 to run, but regardless I am still on the track to reach my goal and would give ANYTHING except true love to reach the my goal. This may change, but at this point in my life, the only person would would be able to defeat my goal is the woman I end up with and even then she would need a good reason because the right person is the one who would stand by me.
I think.
Noodle out.
PS I am in 18 pictures in my senior yearbook. I find this to be quite a lot and was suprised that I was in that much. One of those 18 is one of me half asleep in the senior lobby and is placed next to a caption congratulating me for all my hard work. What is worse, the advisor managed to sneak it into a presentation to distribute the yearbook at the end of the year--a presentation I gave my final approval to about half an hour before the start of the assemably. In that half an hour he added another slide with the help of one or two of my best friends and then during the assemably brought it up while I was sorting through a box of yearbooks handing them out to faculty who we had bought yearbooks for. It was...suprising.
