This is not meant to be an offensive peice, even though it may appear to be that way at some point. If you like it and want to comment, please do so, or you can email me at matrim_tuon@yahoo.com or use AIM at eldernoodle. If you find something offensive, please do the same. Hate mail is better than no mail.
so here it is:
Conversation with God
Upon reaching the gates of heaven, Mat gazed in awe at the immense size and power being exuded from the arch. A bluish-silver light poured from the surface of the gates and the gates themselves shone gold with the light of the sun. Wow, he thought, this is amazing, and God must be the most perfect being.
St Peter waved his hand for Mat to proceed, saying “It seems that the Lord wishes to speak to you about something. I’ll give you one of my women if he doesn’t send you to hell. I bet he will.” At the confused look on Mat’s face, he pointed to a massive cloud that was covered in women and feminine looking angels. “That’s mine,” and, just for an instant, the side read Pete’s House of Love.
“Where do I go?”
“Just follow the sound of the angelic chorus,” under his breath, he finished, “damn annoying chorus too…they should take voice lessons.”
Mat just shook his head as he began to walk toward the sound of the music. The walk was less than five minutes long before the Throne came into sight. God sat on a massive throne—Mat judged the throne to be about eight feet tall, God sitting in it, rising to around seven feet tall if he was standing. He was an impressive figure, his naked body well muscled, clean shaven with long, flowing black hair. Twelve figures sat in modest chairs beside and slightly behind him, the heavenly chorus being lined up in a horseshoe shape around the back o his throne and up on either side. As Mat flung himself to the ground (averting his eyes out of deference and modesty), God raised and then lowered his hand, the heavenly chorus quieting as he did so.
In a meek voice, Mat praised the Lord: “Oh, God, in your mercy I shall be saved. What is it you wish to speak to me about?”
God seemed to become angry at this, sharply saying, “Jesus Christ! Ge…”
“Yes, father?” the last chair on the left of the Throne spoke up. After a second, Mat realized that the figure was indeed his Lord, Jesus.
“No, Not you. I was talkin’ to Mat here.”
“But you said my name…”
Mat was thoroughly confused by this, but words came from his mouth anyway, “D-did you jus-st t-take the Lor…ummm…your sons n-name in v-v-vain?”
“So what if I did? Anyway, as I was saying, get up. You don’t need to be on your knees…well I guess you would for some things, but…are you gay?”
“N-no…should I be?”
“Well, if you want to be. I tried it once, but I didn’t really like it. Besides, girls are better in bed.”
God then stood and said “Get up, someone will get you a chair and we can talk,” Then he stretched and sat back down, “Jesus, give the man your chair.”
“But Dad…”
“Stop whinin’. Just because you are the youngest doesn’t mean that you get everything’”
While Jesses was bringing the chair, Mat had a chance to look at the other eleven figures seated around God. There were five males, three females, two non human, intelligent beings (or so he assumed), and a goat. The figures represented many races and areas ranging from the smaller Chinese man sitting on God’s right hand to the Italian woman to the Native American man to the African man.
As Jesus set the chair down for Mat, Mat bowed low, saying, “My Lord, in your mercy I am sheltered.”
Jesus just turned around muttering something about stupid Christians.
Mat sat down as God spoke again, “These are my children. It appears that you either know or know of my youngest son, Jesus, but this here, Wong Zhuong is my eldest—2000 years before Jesus. As for the rest, well most are from this planet. Xhloxq here,” pointing to a little green man, “is from Mars, and Bbbbblrrllqbbb is from Alpha Centauri,” he said, moving his hand from the green man to a gelatinous blob three chairs down on the right. “Oh yeah, and then there is Billy here. Betty was a favorite of mine.” With that, he began to scratch the goat two chairs down on the left behind the ears.
“Then there are the girls—virgins all of them…something about who their father is. Everyone was afraid to touch them, although I think Julia dated a boy once, even kissed him…isn’t that right honey?”
The Italian woman looked up, “Yeah, that’s right daddy,” then she frowned, “I also seem to recall that he ‘committed suicide’ the next day…”
“I’m sorry honey…”
“With a bolt of lightning.”
“Oops.”
“Jesus Christ!”
Jesus looked up from moping, “What do you want Julia?”
“God damn you Jesus! Jesus Christ, you are just so annoying.”
“You know that I can’t damn my own son, even if he is annoying.”
“Daddy, I liked that boy!!”
God shrugged, “He kissed you open mouth on the first date…anyway Mat, they are all single…interested?”
Mat paled at the offer before saying, “No, thank you, maybe after I am settled in.”
“Are you sure you aren’t gay? Maybe I will send one over your way anyway, I know they could use some practice…I mean Mary was the worst I had, Joe really should have practiced with her before I got there. And then he had the balls to come yell at me because she didn’t like it with him and kept moaning ‘Jehovah’ in bed. Finder keepers, man.”
“If you s-say so…”
“Damnit man!” the letters ‘I’ and ‘T’ appeared in the air, going from white to red and then drifting downward, “Have you even been with a woman?”
“Ummm…a f-few s-sir.”
“Sure they weren’t fuckin’ you up the ass?”
“N-No…”
“'Cuz you really come off as gay.”
“M-may I g-go m-m’lord?”
“I guess so. Julia, girls like gay guys, right?”
Julia looked up, “Yes daddy, as…”
“Good. Go keep him company. You could use practice.”
Julia blanched at the idea of being forced to go with someone, “But daddy…”
“Darlin', you got the best lookin’ guy in the universe for a dad, and I got standards. Besides, you aren’t so bad yourself…nice hair and eyes, flat stomach, long legs, not to mention the ass and chest to…”
“Daddy, you are a pervert,” Julia said reddening.
“Christ Wo…”
Jesus once again looked up from pouting, “Wha…”
They both turned to him, “Shut up,” They said in unison.
“Julia, darling,” he continued, “I have a look, but don’t tou…okay, I’m not gonna go there. I haven’t slept with you, or you wouldn’t be a virgin. It’s fine.”
Julia just stalked away, grabbing Mat on her way, leaving her siblings—Jesus still pouting—behind with her father, the heavenly chorus rising in volume behind them.
Noodle out.
PS. Also, tell me if you find this funny. I think that it was a lot funnier in my head as an idea than it came out on paper.
